DEAR DEIDRE: I get turned on by watching my partner have sex with other men.

Nothing excites me more than seeing the look on her face as another guy brings her to orgasm. And I’m worried this makes me a weirdo.

Afterwards, when we’re alone in bed, we’ll replay the encounter - sex is better than ever


Afterwards, when we’re alone in bed, we’ll replay the encounter – sex is better than ever

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I’m 42 and she’s 38. We’ve been together for four years.

Our sex life used to be fairly vanilla until one day I caught her watching porn and pleasuring herself. 

It made me so horny, I had to confess what a thrill I‘d got from witnessing her climaxing this way.

To my surprise, she wasn’t upset. That led to a frank discussion about our sexual fantasies.

I told her there was nothing I desired more than to see another man make love to her. I wanted to be a silent observer, watching from the corner of the room.

She admitted she found monogamy hard and she would love to be able to sleep with other men. She said she hadn’t because she loves me and didn’t want to cheat on me.

We went online together and started searching for men who would allow us to fulfil my fantasy.

It was hard to find them. Lots of guys were happy to have sex with her – but didn’t like the idea of me watching. 

Some were worried I was bisexual and wanted to have sex with them too – which I don’t.

In the end, we found a few men who were happy to join us.

The reality has been every bit as good as I had imagined it would be.

Afterwards, when we’re alone in bed, we’ll replay the encounter. Sex is better than ever.

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It’s made our relationship closer too. 

But sometimes, I feel a bit awkward and sad. I’m worried I’m not normal and that there’s something wrong with me. 

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DEIDRE SAYS:  You’re not alone. This is a type of voyeurism – getting pleasure from seeing someone else engaging in sexual activity. 

So far you’re not hurting anyone, or adversely affecting your relationship, but do keep checking in with each other to ensure you’re both still happy with this arrangement.

Involving a third party often means insecurities and jealousy are more likely to surface. 

Perhaps your voyeuristic fantasy stems from something in your childhood. Maybe you witnessed other people having sex and it turned you on. My support pack, Sexual Fantasies, explains more.

I am concerned however, that you are both risking your health by involving other men in your sex life so do make sure you are all practising safe sex.

Please talk to a sexual health expert for more non-judgemental guidance. To find your nearest clinic phone the Sexual Health Line on 0300 123 7123, or go to and click on Services Near You.

NEXT IN TODAY’S DEAR DEIDRE I kicked my toxic mother out of my home – so why do I feel so guilty?

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