DEAR DEIDRE: I overheard my husband talking illicitly to a woman we both know well. I was horrified and I could tell from her face that she was too.

We’ve been married for 10 years and we are both 41. 

My husband leaned into her ear and whispered loudly ‘I really want to taste you'

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My husband leaned into her ear and whispered loudly ‘I really want to taste you’

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I was standing behind him at the bar when he leaned into her ear and whispered loudly ‘I really want to taste you’.

He clearly didn’t realise how loud he was or that I was standing right next to him. He’d had a few drinks because we were at a birthday party in our local pub.

I immediately told him I’d heard and the woman moved away.

I went over to her after and warned, “I don’t know what you said to my husband Love, but if your partner heard, he’d be raging like I am.” She looked really embarrassed and apologised.

There was worse to come when I got home. I argued with my husband. But he told me I was being stupid and was hearing things.

When he passed out on our bed, I went into his phone. We’d always had a great marriage but he suddenly made me question whether I could trust him.

There was a message there from a woman saying he should look her up again ‘when he was next in Dublin’ – he goes there with work.

The message had a kiss emoji at the end.

There were previous messages too from this woman and my husband had replied to her detailing all the things he’d like to do with her – they were triple x-rated messages but he’s never talked to me like that.

I went to bed in the spare room that night and cried myself to sleep.

My husband came through in the morning, got into bed with me and kissed me on the forehead saying, “Sorry”, but I pretended to be asleep.

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I’ve hardly spoken to him since.

I can’t unsee those messages and don’t think I’ll ever trust him again. 

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DEIDRE SAYS: You’ll need to have a better understanding of what has gone wrong for you both before the trust will return.

Do you still get along together? Do you enjoy each other’s company, go on date nights together and have a good sex life?

It is easy for things to go stale or to take one another for granted – but if this is out of character for your husband, tell him you’re worried and insist he talks to his GP. There may be some underlying reason for his change of character.

If you feel he’s been chancing his arm by flirting with others, then you have to talk to him about his behaviour.

My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself teaches assertiveness skills.

Get emotional support through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).

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