I relapsed during lockdown and ended up homeless says Paul Danan

Paul ‘Dangerous’ Danan has revealed that he relapsed during the first coronavirus lockdown, leaving him homeless and in a hotel room taking cocaine while suffering terrifying hallucinations.

The former Hollyoaks star, 43, has bravely opened up to The Sun about his frightening private battle, and revealed how he beat the odds to get to the ‘best ever’ place he is in today.

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Speaking to us from his home in Bristol, he says: “I felt so terrible, guilty and ashamed when I started using again. I was like, I can’t believe I am back here. It got really scary.”

Paul, who is now almost two years clean and running a successful theatre company, has a history of cocaine addiction and has been to rehab 17 times.

He shot to fame playing Sol Patrick on the channel 4 teen soap back in the 90s and enjoyed reality show stints on Celebrity Love Island and Celebrity Big Brother, although it was his partying and high-profile love life that dominated the headlines.

But despite getting his life back on track in recent years, things unravelled for Paul again when the world shutdown in the spring of 2020.

He says: “I didn’t want to be on my own in lockdown so I left my flat in Hertfordshire and moved back in with mum and dad in Essex. I thought everything would be fine as I hadn’t touched any drugs in 18 months and life was good.”

‘I felt like I was going mad’

Initially, Paul was busy recording his chart-topping podcast, The Morning After, from his childhood bedroom and attending his regular 12 step meetings online.

But after being diagnosed with ADHD in summer 2019, Paul soon found that the restrictions of lockdown meant he was struggling to keep a handle on his condition.

“The big thing that helps ADHD is to be around people, but because my dad was high risk for COVID, I couldn’t even meet anyone for a walk in case I caught the virus and brought it back to the house.

“It was also really hard not being able to see my son DeNiro, who was in lockdown with his mother back in London [ Paul co-parents the now six year-old with his ex].

“I started to get really bad cabin fever and frustrated. I needed to get out and felt like I was going mad.”

Two months later in May 2020, with no end to the restrictions in sight, Paul gave notice on his flat – a fateful decision that saw him give into temptation.

“I didn’t want to keep paying rent on a flat I wasn’t staying in, so I decided to get rid of it.” he recalls. “But when I went to collect my things, I saw an empty baggie when I was clearing up and it triggered something.

“I ended up bumping into someone outside and getting some cocaine from them. It was a moment of like, ‘F**k it, I’m not going to get another chance.’ Then I went back to my parents and used.

“I only had a few lines but it was enough to get the taste again. They say one line is too many, a thousand is never enough, and that’s what it’s like.

“I felt terrible, so guilty and ashamed. I reckon over the years I’ve spent about £1 million pound on rehab and recovery, and yet there I was doing it all again.”

‘It got scary. I had nowhere to go’

No longer able to cope under his parents roof, and with no flat of his own to go to, Paul ended up going to stay with a friend of a friend in Bournemouth who promised to help him detox.

However, Paul found himself without a roof over his head.

“I went to stay with this guy in Bournemouth but his place was really grubby, so I wasn’t comfortable. I also wasn’t really ready to get clean, so we ended up falling out and he just dumped me at the station and left me.

“I tried to get a hotel but none of the hotels were taking anyone in because of lockdown. I didn’t know what to do so I ended up going for a walk on the beach and scoring some drugs.

“I met these dodgy guys who ended up nicking some of the belongings I had on me, and before I knew it it was midnight, dark and I had nowhere to go.

“It got scary. I just walked the streets trying to get into places but every hotel said no to me and I was in tears. I was basically homeless.

“I wished I was back at my mum and dad’s but they were furious with me, because they had been through this with me so many times before.

Luckily, he was spared from sleeping rough that night after a taxi driver came to his rescue and took him to a hotel owned by his brother.

“I crashed there for a few hours and then headed back to London the next morning,” says Paul, who made himself an appointment to be assessed at The Nightingale Hospital, where the likes of Amy Winehouse were treated for addiction.

But once again, things didn’t pan out as he hoped and went from bad to worse.

‘I started having psychosis and seeing things’

“Unfortunately I missed the appointment so I was screwed. I ended up blagging my way into a Holiday Inn in West London and was holed up in this 13th floor hotel room. It was there that things got really bad.

“I found another dealer and started using daily in that room. For two weeks, I didn’t sleep and was just taking a few grams of coke all day.

I didn’t eat apart from one croissant a day from the hotel breakfast buffet and then went back to the room. People were worried, phoning and asking where I was but I was losing my mind.”

As the days and nights rolled into one another, hallucinations took hold. 

“I started having psychosis and believing that the police were going to come in through the door,” he says.

“I was also seeing things that weren’t really there. My brain was doing somersaults and it was terrifying. I was in a state.”

‘Rehab saved me’

With his money starting to run out, Paul was given a lifeline when he found a rehab facility, Gladstones, in the Cotswolds that could take him within the week. 

“I spoke to this amazing woman there who talked me through it all and saved my life. I checked in and stayed there for three and a half months. It was there that I found out I wasn’t on the right ADHD medication but they sorted all that for me and got me an ADHD psychiatrist too.

“I also met his amazing yoga teacher there who basically helped me get to where I am today. I told her I had always wanted to teach drama to people with ADHD, mental health issues and addiction, but I had lost my confidence.

“When I was younger I had no fear and knocked on doors to get my part in Hollyoaks, but I lost that guy. She told me he was still inside me and supported me to realise that dream.”

While still in Gladstones, Paul reached out to several drug and alcohol recovery centres and pitched his idea for therapeutic drama workshops. He found one in Bristol who loved the concept and, when he checked out of rehab, Paul decided to make a fresh start in the city.

There, Paul developed The Morning After Theatre programme. The workshops started off small on Zoom but quickly grew due to demand and he found a venue in Bristol to host the sessions. 

“It’s just grown and grown and we are now a charity,” Paul smiles. “I have ten people working for me and a business partner who is investing money into it. We recently expanded to hold workshops in Oxford and Western-super-Mare.

“We are helping hundreds of people a week because drama is such great therapy and I feel like I’ve really found my calling.

“So many people fell into addiction, or relapsed during lockdown, the statistics are catastrophic, and it’s really important to break the stigma around that.”

‘I’m stronger than ever’

Paul is also pleased to report that he hasn’t relapsed in twenty months, he’s repaired family relationships and has never felt better.

“Two years later, I haven’t looked back,” he says, proudly. “I haven’t touched any drugs or alcohol in twenty months, and I’m closer than ever to my parents and siblings.

“My mum wasn’t talking to me when I was in rehab, which was really painful because I was dying to make it up to her, but slowly she came around. She can be proud of me now for all the stuff I am doing and the way I have come back from that.

“I see my son all the time and me and him  are so close. All of this has taught me how precious family are.

“Those cold nights when I was just walking round the streets thinking, ‘What the hell have I done?’ made me realise family are the most important thing in the world and I don’t take it for granted. 

He continues: “I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m in the best shape I’ve been for years as I’m playing loads of tennis, and I’m also seeing an amazing girl.

“In a weird way, I’m grateful that I went through the relapse in lockdown as I wouldn’t be where I am now, having achieved all I have achieved.

“Sometimes things have to get really painful for you to do something about it. Of course, recovery is a daily battle and it’s always one day at a time.

“Nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring but if I keep doing what I did yesterday today, then I will be alright.”

The Morning After with Paul Danan is available on Apple, spotify and all other podcast stores.

For more information on The Morning After Theatre Company and to donate to the charity, go to justgiving.com/crowdfunding/themorningaftertc

For help and support on drug addiction, contact DrugFAM on 0300 888 3853 or go to drugfam.co.uk

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