DEAR DEIDRE: MY sex addict husband claims he has recovered, but he is still trying to hook up with strangers.
I love him so much and don’t understand why sex with me isn’t enough.
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We’ve been married for 17 years. I’m 46, he’s 44 and we have a son of 14.
He’s also had a high sex drive and slept with both women and men in his youth.
When we got together he wanted to do it five times a day, every day.
Once the honeymoon period was over, I couldn’t keep up. And I realised it was just sex — rather than me — that he wanted, and that hurt.
He also has a roving eye and, early in our relationship, he cheated on me at least twice. I forgave him and put it down to teething troubles.
In every other way, he was a wonderful husband and father.
Then, about five years ago, he started seeing escorts whenever he got the opportunity — even nipping out in his lunch hour.
I’d suspected for months but finally caught him out when I found condoms in his bag.
He promised it would never happen again. But he couldn’t explain why he did it.
I was so distraught that I said unless he got help, I would leave him.
He was diagnosed as a sex addict, went into rehab and then had years of therapy. I thought he was cured.
But I never lost the habit of checking up on him and recently I noticed he has started searching for escorts again — although I don’t think he’s met one yet.
He also sent suggestive texts to a male friend, although they were laughed off as a joke.
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I don’t know what to do any more. I feel it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again.
Should I just accept this as part of him?
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DEIDRE SAYS: If your husband was an alcoholic or drug addict, I don’t think you’d dream of just accepting it as part of his character.
You’d insist he got help – again.
Sex addiction is like any other addiction and if his is getting out of control again, he needs further treatment.
Just as alcoholics use booze to blot out bad feelings and give themselves a high, sex addicts use sex, normally outside their relationship, for short-term thrills to numb their underlying pain.
Please talk to him again and insist he goes back to therapy.
Some relationship counselling together would also help. Find support at relate.org.uk or tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) who have online help available.
My support pack, Addicted To Sex, will also help.
