DEAR DEIDRE: My sex drive has taken a nosedive and now I can’t keep up with my toy boy husband.
I’m 53 and when I met my husband, who is now 37, 10 years ago, we had the most fantastic sex life.
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To begin with, we were both in our primes, with raging libidos. What he lacked in experience, he made up for in energy and enthusiasm.
We couldn’t get enough of each other and sex was a big part of our relationship. We’d do it two or three times a day, every day.
But over the last couple of years, I’ve started to go off sex. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it when I am in the mood….I’m just rarely in the mood.
Where once I used to fantasise about having sex all day long, now I don’t think about it at all.
If I’m tired, I’d rather just curl up in bed with a good book and go to sleep.
I used to be so horny that I’d jump on my husband the second he walked through the front door. Now, he’s always the one to initiate sex.
He’s starting to get fed up with me saying ‘no’. He takes it as a massive rejection. And I feel like he’s pestering me for sex all the time.
Sometimes, I give in, just to keep the peace. But that leaves me feeling demeaned, and like a sex object.
And as I’m not really turned-on, penetrative sex can be uncomfortable and leave me sore.
He thinks I don’t fancy him anymore or that I’m having an affair. Nothing could be further from the truth.
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We’re snapping at each other a lot, and I’m worried that if something doesn’t change, our marriage will fail.
I still love him as much as ever. The problem is our sex drives no longer match.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Many women in mid-life find that as menopause approaches, their libidos take a tumble. This is due to the loss of female hormones, which probably also explains why you’re finding sex uncomfortable.
Please don’t feel you have to have sex just to please your man.
But if you do want to improve your sex drive and solve the discomfort issue, you could make an appointment with your GP to talk about HRT or other menopause treatments.
Talk to your husband about this and suggest you should find some sort of compromise. Make it clear you love him and want to be intimate but can’t perform like you used to.
Maybe taking sex more slowly and concentrating on foreplay, cuddling and massage would also help.
My support pack, Different Sex Drives, explains more about this issue and tells you where you can find help.
