DEAR DEIDRE: I WONDER if I’m gay because I get more excited about nude pics from my online lover than I do about sex with my wife.
Sometimes I imagine being in bed with him when I’m getting intimate with my wife.
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I’m 45, my wife’s 39 and we’ve been together for 17 years.
Our marriage has been smooth sailing but the sex doesn’t excite me any more. We’ve tried it all.
One night while she was asleep, I started researching ways to spice things up.
Many websites suggested a threesome. That’s not something I think I’d enjoy.
But when I thought about having sex with a man, I got aroused.
I’d never thought about sleeping with a guy before. My Catholic mother would roll in her grave if she knew I was having these thoughts.
I was curious and ten minutes later I’d made an account on a gay hook-up site to look at what was on offer.
I matched with a good-looking guy in the next town from me. He too was in a boring marriage and looking for some fun.
We ended up sexting until the early hours.
I’d never had these thoughts before and now I was basically cheating on my wife.
When a message from him came up, I couldn’t leave it. I had to know what else he was imagining.
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This has been going on for months now. We’ve sent nude pictures and videos and sometimes have virtual sex over FaceTime.
I can’t stop thinking about him. Does this mean I’m gay?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe. Our sexuality is on a spectrum and many develop an attraction for people of the same gender at different stages of their lives.
Sometimes it is temporary, sometimes long-lasting.
You will also be drawn to the excitement and the newness of this whole situation.
Although you have not physically touched this man, you have built an emotional connection and have turned your back on your marriage.
You need to decide if you want to work on your sex life and relationship with your wife or explore this new relationship and unfamiliar side to your sexuality.
It would help to talk to a relationship counsellor to work out your next steps. See tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) for quality counselling at a reasonable cost.
You can also get support at switchboard.lgbt (0300 330 0630), where they will understand the issues and can help.
